I’m on my eighth therapist now. And we are just about at the end of our time working together. “I think I may not be the best match for you”. Oh how many times I’ve heard that. It’s funny how therapists always seem to tell me this during my most vulnerable times.
I know that all I have to do is eat. If I can maintain my weight, I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a new therapist or receiving higher level of care. But why can’t I do it? Why can’t I just eat?
I read somewhere that an eating disorder is like a wool sweater. The wool keeps you warm from the cold outside, but then becomes uncomfortable as it begins to itch. It’s time to take the wool sweater off now, but for some reason, you don’t want to let it go.
I can see now that my eating disorder is hurting more than helping. But I am afraid to take it off. Who am I if I don’t have an eating disorder? How will I be able to survive the unknowns of the world without having the comfort of falling back to restricting, exercising and dieting?
I spent a lot of time pondering on these questions, since the answer lies at the root of change. What is it that motivates me to leave behind my eating disorder and pursue a life of recovery? For me, it is the concept of connection, knowledge and compassion. These are the values I hold closest to my heart. My life is nothing without the relationships I have that create it. Everyday I am lifted up and loved by family and friends, from both far and near. The thought of knowledge excites me. I yearn to continue learning, whether that be through classes, books or a career. Lastly, the idea of giving back to others, and ultimately being at a place where I am capable of expressing compassion to myself motivates me more than anything. I cannot live a life centered around these authentic values if I continue to engage with my eating disorder. It is for this reason, I continue to fight.